A long shit strapline, please.

- Hello there creatives! Samsung here, listen guys good news! Our new phone is the official phone of the Olympics.

- Great! How can we help?

- Well you remember that really cool Nike basketball advert from a few years ago, where they make the percussian with the balls?

- Yep that was cool.

- Well we want that. But with all different sports. Even ones that don't work.

- Right. Anything else?

- Yeah... can you make it look like all the sports are happening in different places and they are being somehow transmitted live with video via our phones to a kind of euro-trance DJ who is holding a massive rave by looping and remixing all the elements on the fly using ten more of our phones.

- Er... yeeeeeaaaah, does your phone have video calling?

- Nope.

- Does it have some kind of music loop remix function?

- Nope.

- OK, anything else?

- Yeah can you give it a really long shit strapline that makes no sense. We need to mention the fact that it's a samsung. And the fact it's called tocco. Also can we mention that it's a touchscreen. If you can we need to somehow get across the idea that you can use it to connect to things and people. Can we somehow also mention Olympic spirit? Oh, and definately get something in there about imagination cos that sounds creative. Something that sounds like creativity is coming to life...

- Fuck yeah why not? How about this? When your Samsung Tocco touchscreen mobile connects you to your Olympic spirit imagination lives.

- Brilliant! That is really long, awkward, unwieldy and makes no fucking sense at all it will match our shitty ad perfectly! Take the rest of the day off.

- I'm afraid I can't.

- Why not?

- I've been fired for giving in to clients stupid fucking requests and producing mind numbing shit. I'm about to be taken away and thrown into a giant mincemeat grinder for pointless people. I'll be turned into luxury dogfood. Please send any feedback to Jim, he'll be starting Monday.

- No, probs. Can you make the logo bigger.

- GAaaghh -BBBBBUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ - Arrrrrrghghh - SPLATTER SPLAT SPLAT.

Banged Up

Channel Five do it again with a new multi-part reality show featuring David Blunkett as a Bizarro World prison based stand-in for Alan Sugar. Already dubbed 'Shame Academy' in the press, Blunkett 'oversees' (ho ho) proceedings - though sadly never gets to point roughly in the young thugs direction and say "You're fucked" before putting them away for life.

In fact there isn't that much threat at all here. Real prison looks shit and I'd hate to be there but ten days in TV jail is a piece of piss. They could have at least made it last a month or two.

Having said that one poor little hardnut from Sunderland did crack under the pressure last night. He had to leave and go home because it was all too much. Edited away from the start of the show it gave the impression they'd maybe been in there a while. Who knows how long?

Locked up in a twelve by five cell. You lose sense of time, the days go on for ever. Nothing to do. You can't breathe, those white walls close in on you. Some panic, lose their mind, others cry themselves to sleep. Some get mad. Mad at the world, mad at themselves - but the walls still close in. Whitewashed witnesses to wasted lives. Or, maybe not.

How long did this little tough guy last? 

Bearing in mind that he had a camera crew with him.

And that he knew he was totally safe. And also knew he'd be out in ten days. 

How long?

A week? Six days? Five? I mean that might be hard. Two? One?

No.

Three hours.

Three.

Hours.

I've had longer baths.

My car is my lover

Sadly I missed what looks to have been a poignant and restrained Channel 5 doc on Mechaphiles last night. For those of you mouthing the word 'mecha-what' a mechaphile is a car-lover, someone who fucks cars. Or in some cases just wanks over them.



According to my friend at one point one of them claimed to have shagged Airwolf. I can't help but wonder how long it will be before this important issue gets the attention it deserves. We have abolished and apologised for slavery yet we continue to refer to ourselves as 'car owners'. At last the idea of gay marriage has become a reality but what about those who want to wed their four wheeled wank wagon? How long must we wait till auto-sexual priests can stand proud at the pulpit and preach the pleasures of the tailpipe?

Come election time it is these types of important issues that could be the deciding factors, thank you Channel 5 for making such a thought provoking piece of shit.