Put it in my eye-mouth while I masticate furiously

Remember this piece of shit for Trident gum?

It got banned due to complaints of racism. Why racsist? It's just funny isn't it? A white woman shouting masty-cay-shun for de nay-shun in a bad Jamaican accent... comedy gold, surely?

I suppose it was perceived as racist because the humour was derived from a white woman doing a Jamaican accent thereby implying that there is something inherently funny about the way Jamicans talk. And presumably something twice as funny about a white woman doing a funny Jamican accent.

They did another two, one featuring another white guy doing a 'funny' Jamican accent and one which actually featured a ludicrous Jamican behaving like an escapee from Mind Your Language. On speed.

Coincidentally Trident also happens to be the name for London Police division that deals with gun crime in the black community. That's the only funny thing about the ad.

Anyway Trident are back! In your face!

Droping the mastication line they now want to...

MESS WITH YOUR HEAD!

At first glance I thought this girl was winking her swollen black eye, a carefree victim of the casual spousal abuse of the 50's. But since that wouldn't make any fucking sense whatsoever my brain had to try again.

So I looked closer and realised that she actually has an extra mini mouth instead of a left eye.

A mini eye mouth. With lipstick... and mmm-mmm it's licking it's lips in a sexy suggestive manner.

Mess with your head? How? Is there a chemical in trident gum that causes a bizarre strain of prosopagnosia?

Was she born like that or has she transplanted a little mouth into her eye socket? Congratulations Mrs. Kendall the operation was a complete success, it'll be sore for a few weeks so remember to rinse it with mouth wash if you smoke with it.

Why is it licking its lips? What does it eat? If you were going out with her how long would it be before you asked for an eyejob? Want to try it in the mouth eye? I'll mess with your head, uh-uh yeah, wink me off.

Can she breathe through it? Can it whistle? Does it talk? Congrats team Trident you've messed with my head.

I wonder what they'll do next?

Maybe they could have a naked, female, black Jesus crucified on a burning cross made of wheelchairs mounted on a Victorian steam train. She'd have a vagina for a mouth, an erect horses cock for a nose and two sphincters for eyes. And maybe have loads of octopus tentacles instead of legs.

Above her in massive bouncy pink gothic bubble letters it could say NEW STRAWBERRY CHEESECAKE FLAVOUR.

The slightly smaller strapline could say CHEW-CHEW, GOD IS DEAD.

WALL-E (2008)

I thoroughly enjoyed Pixar's new movie and for the most part I thoroughly enjoy every Pixar movie.

Even Cars. And that was just Shoe People on wheels.

Anyway, I just want to make it clear, I like Pixar. A lot.

But.... I do have a one little niggle with Pixar and surely I can't be the only person that has noticed it.

See if you can spot it...

TOY STORY
Wow it's the hidden world of Toys, that's cool. Oh, I see what you've done, they're toys that come to life when there's no-one around, but wait ha ha Buzz doesn't know he's a toy!

Uh Oh, Woody doesn't like being the second best toy, he used to be number one. Oh no! He got rid of Buzz, now Buzz is lost! I hope Woody and the others can somehow team up and find him. Yes! Brilliant! They did! Because when you work together it all works out.

BUGS LIFE
Oho, hello! What's this? The hidden world of Ants and Grasshoppers. It's a play on Aesop, how clever. Oh and I see what you've done, the Grasshoppers are like evil tyrants and the Ants are the peaceful villagers, it's like The Seven Samurai. Even though they have superior numbers the Ants give in, hmmm it's like they've lost their self belief.

Uh Oh, Flik the rebellious Ant doesn't like being told what to do by lazy grasshoppers, he believes in Ants. Oh no! He's gone off alone on a mad quest, I hope he can find someone to team up with him and help the Ants find their self belief. Yes! Oh brilliant they did. Take that grasshoppers! When you work together it all works out.

TOY STORY 2
Wow it's the er, hidden world of Toys. Again.
But wait a minute I thought everything worked out here. Gosh! I hope someone/something isn't going to get lost and need finding.

Uh Oh, Woody got broken and bought by an obsessive toy collector, now he's lost and needs finding. I hope Buzz and the others can team up and find him. Yep... they did, because when you work together it all works out.

MONSTERS INC
Amazing! The hidden world of Monsters. Their world is powered by fear from our world. That's cool. Surely no-one is going to get lost and need rescuing here. I mean they're 10 foot tall, hairy monsters, right?

Well, this time they really go nuts. Either that or there was a mix up in typing because this time... wait for it... they find something and team up to get rid of it! Yeah! Alright, woo! High five! Flip reverse it!

A kid from the real world gets lost in Monster world and found by some Monsters, I did not see that coming. Incredible! I hope they can team up and get rid of her. Yes... they can. Because when you work together you can get rid of things you've found or find things you've lost.

FINDING NEMO
They're not even trying here, the hidden world of talking fish? Are they special fish? Spy fish, robot fish, magic fish? No? Just the talking.

OK, well I'll give it a go. But the title doesn't sound promising.

It almost sounds like something needs to be found by someone. And that usually means it's been lost.

Wait a minute... they haven't done another film where something gets lost and needs finding have they?

It's like they sat round after a crate of brewskis and said "Look maaaan, no-one *hic* noticed the last four times *burrrp* how obvious can we make it and still get away with it? Huh? Put Finding in the title...ha ha... dude you rock that is *hic* insane!"

So Nemo the talking fish gets caught by a diver... oh dear. I... erm... hope... that... he... erm... gets found? Oh look his talking fish Dad has teamed up with another talking fish... and some talking surf dude turtles and a talking pelican. I hope they can work together to find Nemo. Yeah, they can, because when you work together and do something you've done four times before, sometimes it's so obvious that people don't even notice it.

THE INCREDIBLES
Genius! The hidden world of retired super heroes and their dysfunctional families trying to live normal lives.

Uh Oh! Mr. incredible doesn't want to be retired or normal, in fact he wants action and secret missions. Gasp! He's been lured into a trap! On a remote Island. By a super villain!

I wonder if his dysfunctional family can over come their petty infighting and work together to find him and then solve this problem? What do you reckon?

CARS
My least favourite, the shitty hidden world of fucked up talking cars.

With eyes.

A world where no people exist to build them... OK. Where does the petrol come from? Don't get me started.

So... a red car gets lost in a shitty backwater town. Then he teams up with a load of freaky talking shit-mobiles from Shittsville to try and win a big race. With the help of an ex-race champ who found and lost glory.

But the red car gives up first place and loses because he finds the true meaning of friendship or racing or something.

Anyway it works out because he got lost, then found out what racing was about by working together with someone who found then lost past race glory and fame. Finally instead of winning he looses on purpose because of what he has found. It's a loss/find team up festival.

But with shit anthropomorphic cars with eyes. They. Make. No. Sense.

RATOUILLE
A nervous unlucky kid has just lost his mother and, unbeknownst to him, his inheritance of a famous French restaurant. A restaurant he turns up at, asking for a job.

Meanwhile a rat has lost his entire colonies home due to his unusual love of cooking, in particular the cookery of the dead owner of the previously mentioned famous French restaurant.

Oh yeah and the restaurant itself has lost all credibility after its famous owners death.

Now there is no fucking way these two can team up. Right?

But Pixar law dictates that if something is lost it must be found and the only way to find it is by teaming up... so...

By teaming up with a rat he manages to pretend to be a master chef thus finding confidence, finding a new family of sorts and finding his inheritance whilst the rat finds a new home and a place to cook and they both bring back the credibility of the restaurant.

Because when you work together... with a rat... to cook stuff... it all works out.

WALL-E
Humans have killed all plant life and therefore lost Earth due to over consumption and pollution. They blast off to live in space.

WALL-E robots are left behind to clean up Earth, but 700 years later there is only one still functioning and he's a become a bit eccentric, almost human. He's all alone though, so no chance of any teaming up or working together.

Until one day he finds a plant.

Suddenly an EVE probe arrives and, while scanning for organic life, finds both the plant and WALL-E. He promptly falls in love with her and ends up following the probe back her ship. But once they're aboard, a malfunctioning HAL style AI wants to destroy the plant and not notify the humans that Earth can once more support organic life.

The plant gets taken away and WALL-E and EVE get put in a sort of robo-asylum with a load of wacky malfunctioning robots.

Using the clues from the previous eight films, guess what happens next.

Now having said all of that I like Pixar and I loved WALL-E but fuck me, if one more person looses something and has to team up to find it I'll go fucking bug nuts.

I imagine at Pixar they have "Work together and work it out" and "You'll find what you've lost if we look together" screwed on every door, wall and ceiling in large bold gold lettering.

It's probably chiselled in fifty foot high marble letters at the entrance. The centre piece of their landscape garden features six words in complex topiary formed from hundred foot high bushes reading "LOSE IT. TEAM UP. FIND IT"

Anyway, WALL-E looked beautiful, the robot character design throughout was stunning and for the Mac geeks out there there's plenty of little love letters to Apple hidden throughout, most notably with sexy, shiny EVE design.

The stand-out element though is clearly the design and characterisation of WALL-E. It's a truly phenomenal piece of animation. His baby Johnny 5 via ET design genuinely manages to tug the heartstrings in some of the more subtle moments. But I loved just watching him go about his business - to be honest I'd have settled for an hour and a half of him just pottering around. The scene where he gets up for work had me grinning from ear to ear.

The first half of the film is a wonderfully grim, grimy glipse at the future and the score that accompanies this largely silent segment was so right it hurt. Desolate sci-fi scenes of future Earth, flickering billboards, dried seas, piles of WALL-E crushed junk and vehiclular graveyards all rendered with jaw dropping attention to detail. Any lack of dialogue didn't even register because each scene was so deliciously composed and executed. In fact it was more of a positive, part of me wishes they had chanced their arm a bit more and gone for a pure silent movie.

Unfortunately when there are any lengthy scenes featuring humans or when the manic mecha Tom & Jerry chase sequences kick in things started to sag. But there is enough laughs, references, oohs and aahs to weather the storm. The space dance sequence being a particularly pretty piece of pixel pushing.

Alongside the humour and awe inspiring artistry is a pretty mean streak of enviro-based satire. I especially liked the ubiquitous global corporation BUY & LARGE, a fairly blunt attack on super-size consumerism.

The hideously bloated baby people lolling on hover chairs pretty much clubbed the point home. I'd like to say that I didn't like the human scenes because it was so painfully close to the bone. It is but somehow they just annoyed me and had me wondering when the robots were coming back.

Overall it's a deceptively simple yet powerful story that, with minor quibbles aside, is a Pixar high point. Some bits are genuinely sad, some bits are genuinely funny while the remainder is bluntly pessimistic.

There are occasional explosions of activity and sound but for my money WALL-E is at its best when it's quiet. Often transcending previous Pixar output when it's silent.

The fact that they lose something then find it, again, isn't so bad after all. Because it's in the end it's not about losing plant life or even losing Earth.

It's about losing humanity.

The humans in WALL-E have devolved into giant stupid sub-human fatties. Their brains are so fucking dim that they don't know what dancing or farming is. They pootle about and mechanically slurp their liquid meals through a straw, unable to move from their giant floating beds. Shielded from reality and other human contact by a constantly flickering TV screen that gibbers bullshit and adverts while they jabber relentless, meaningless shite into a mobile phone.

They're locked into pointless loops of dumb dull inactivity, their lives are worthless, they aren't humans - they're the robots.

Problem is it won't take us 700 years to get there. We'll be there in 7.

Meanwhile, it is WALL-E that has evolved and become more human than the humans. He is the one you identify with, not the repulsive obese thickos drooling their lives away.

If we have to have another Pixar kids movie about losing something then I can't think of a better thing to warn kids about than losing their humanity through inactivity, lack of education, bullshit mass media, logos, mobile phones and fucking super sized meals.

Shame it's about 10 years too late then.

The Dark Knight (2008)

As you may or may not know, I was quite excited about this film.

When bat-day finally came last week I went through a bizarre gamut of emotions, I felt like I was going to a wedding, then I went a bit distant, later I felt confused and empty as if I hadn't slept for a week, then I felt like I'd won something amazing but had forgotten what it was.

I think I got so excited that I went beyond excitement, journeying into a numb psychological territory where I felt nothing whatsoever and yet still knew something very big was going to happen. Like Christmas Eve on the on the first year I started to understand what Christmas was.

As we queued to go in I was so worked up I actually said that I felt like I was queuing up to go into space.

I went for a dump before I entered the auditorium purely because, given my unpredictable mental state, I honestly didn't know if the excitement of seeing The Dark Knight being projected at the IMAX would make me literally shit in my pants. Once the movie started, had I needed a piss I think I'd have undone my laces and done it in my shoe rather than leave my seat.

It's not unfair to say that as the Warner Brothers logo faded in and a burning bat-sign fell toward the five storey high screen - my expectations were set pretty high.

Three hours later I was in a worse state coming out than I was going in. We both had to stumble to the nearest pub like glassy-eyed, shell-shocked zombies and order a stiff drink.

Even then I had trouble articulating my thoughts because no matter how high my expectations were set, and they were set ridiculously high, the Dark Knight had managed to surpass them on every level.

There are so many things right with this film that it is almost impossible to know where to start.

One thing you'll notice from almost every review so far is that no-one mentions the plot or structure. Which makes it all the more surprising to discover that this is one of the strongest things about the movie.

It deals with peoples limits, their individual boundaries of right and wrong and what it takes to make those people cross the line.

The Joker incrementally deconstructs all the key players and some of the lesser characters - slowly pushing them toward their individual breaking points. With each anarchic stunt the Joker pulls, he drags them closer toward his own moral abyss until they all teeter on the brink. Then he laughs in their face and pushes them over the edge.

With no need for back story the Joker arrives fully formed and proceeds tear a ragged swath through every scene he's in. The ultimate villain, made fantastically unsettling and unpredictable through grim blend of the sociopathic and psychopathic. But the real icing on the cake, and possibly the reason this is one of the finest Joker interpretations of any medium, is that despite his lunatic appearance and claims that he has no plan, Joker isn't crazy in any gibbering conventional sense. He is a manic genius and he's playing his frightening game six moves ahead of everyone else.

When you have to adhere to the law, even Batmans distilled law of 'anything goes except killing' how do you fight an anonymous, psychopathic, sociopathic genius with no rules and nothing to loose. How do you fight him and not become him?

It's the ultimate summation of who and what the Joker is and it's fucking amazing to see him come to life in all his sickly cruel, grottily intelligent, unhinged beauty.

It's probably worth mentioning the actor behind the make-up at this point, but that's tricky.

You see, other actors in the film are playing parts. Morgan Freeman plays Lucius Fox although really he's just doing his benevolent Morgan Freeman thing. Gary Oldman plays Lieutenant Gordon, he plays him very well... but you still know it's Gary Oldman to some extent. Bale is Bruce Wayne, definitely, but he's also Bale. Micheal Caine is Alfred but if we're honest he's just Michael Caine. And there's nothing wrong with that.

But Heath Ledger? Heath Ledger playing the Joker?

Heath Ledger doesn't play the Joker, Heath Ledger isn't in the movie. The only place Heath Ledger appears is in the credits - this movie stars the Joker, the actual Joker. There is only the Joker onscreen and he's so stunningly, scarily spot-on that by the end of it you're left not only craving more of him but also actively pitying the poor bastard who attempts to follow him. I laughed, I got freaked out and I was even jumpy at points. He didn't so much bullseye the Joker as shoot one arrow at the bullseye then repeatedly fire thinner arrows into that arrow until he split the atom and nuked any other incarnation of the Joker.

Will he get an posthumous oscar?

If it was up to me he'd get a four hundred foot high solid gold illuminated statue of the Joker on Mt. Lee Perch. The letters beneath it that spell HOLLY would be replaced with JOKER because I had JOKERWOOD for 2 and a half hours. I was dizzy leaving the cinema because all the blood had been rushing to my cock for so long. Basically he was very good.

Still no matter how brightly Mr. Ledger burnt, this is still an ensemble piece and everyone plays their part.

Oldman brings a understated vulnerability to Gordon, watch the way he distractedly looks for a chair in Dent's office, almost nervously making himself comfortable, angrily standing up to Harvey's suggestions of corruption "doing the best with what he's got". He's real, he's a fully formed believable character.

Next take a look at Aaron Eckhart, the new cocksure DA, punching out mafia henchmen in a courtroom, supporting Gordons new hardline on organised crime, Gotham's White Knight. Look at his desperation when he sees things sliding out of control, when he realises he can't win, look at his terror, his heartache when he realises the joke's on him. Then look away when you finally see the thing he becomes.

Last but not least - Bale is back in another great performance that reminds me of a William James quote:

"Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is."

So it is here, we see Bale play Bruce Wayne as he wants others to see him, we see him play Bruce Wayne as he sees himself when he is around Alfred and Lucius then finally we see Bruce Wayne as he really is, as what he has become, what he must maintain and what he is unable to escape from - the Batman.

Which tallies perfectly with my view of Batman.

I always assumed that once he set the whole Batman thing in motion Bruce Wayne fundamentally ceased to exist except as a figment of Batman's imagination.

It isn't Bruce Wayne who dresses up as Batman, it's Batman who dresses up as Bruce Wayne.

He's just as unhinged as the Joker he just has different goals and rules. One thing I would say is that Batman sounds like he needs some Strepsils but then again if someone dressed like that jumped on you then started beating you up and shouting "Where is he?" in that voice you'd either tell him what you knew or just openly empty your bowels into your trousers. So I suppose it works.

If I had one complaint it’s that I think Maggie Gyllenhaal has a face like a poorly potato and a delivery like my friend’s impression of Samantha from Sex and the City. But really that’s just being churlish because anything that stops Katie Holmes being in movies is a good thing.

Acting aside, all this emphasis on the psychological make-up and fragmentation of the characters must mean that there's no time for action, right?

Wrong!

There are two action sequences in particular that piss in other action films kettles, wait for it to boil and then chuck fresh boiling piss in their stupid less-action-having faces.

One scene, a skydiving/skyhook sequence in Hong Kong had my mouth hanging open like even more of a slack jawed simpleton than usual whilst another, involving the Bat-Pod, made me say "WOO-OOW, FUUUUCKING HELL and HOLY SHIT DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT!" in rapid succession.

There is a bit in the Bat-Pod sequence where Batman does a sort of 'Hoth battle' cable take-down of the Joker's truck, followed by what can only be described as a 180 degree off-the-wall pirouette at sixty miles an hour.

I'm not kidding, I nearly cried. Out of all four of my eyes.

Add to that the opening sequence, the hospital hi-jinks later and the tech mad end scenes and you've got more than enough to chew on between the brainy bits.

As for reports that it's bleak, dark and depressing. Well, the clue is in the title fucko - it's not called BatFun rainbow troubles in crayon land.

Overall the movie takes a lead from Empire in that it pretty much ends with everything being fucked. Corruption is an overwhelming theme throughout.

Are Gordon's men corrupt? Maybe, but what corrupted them? Can Batman be corrupted and forced to break his one rule? Can the most shining example of law and order by dragged down into the depths of depravity? What would it take? Lucius is disgusted by the corruption of his own technology and he too is pushed toward his own moral limit. Even the criminals are double corrupt, turning on each other by the end.

But there is a redeeming feature to be spotted.

You have to look hard for it but it's a pretty relevant one, especially in the sort of climate where the Doomsday clock stands at five to midnight and the UK Terror Threat stands at SEVERE, indicating an attack is 'highly likely'.

The one positive message from the Dark Knight is that while single people can be pushed to into the abyss of chaos or corruption, people united as a group can't - people as a united force can make a choice and make a difference. The only time anything goes right in the movie is when people act together against something they don't agree with rather than simply reacting to the terror or corruption.

Ultimately Batman isn't a superhero. There is nothing super about him. He can't fly or shoot lasers out of his eyes or throw buses at people. He can't bend space and time or control peoples minds.

He's just a symbol. He's also a very rich psychologically damaged individual who got very good at martial arts after he watched his parents get murdered. There's no reason why he couldn't exist in real life, it would be weird - maybe crazy but possible.

It makes sense that the story should be realistic, even downbeat and depressing. That people should let other people down, that they should fall and give up instead of getting up, that they should fail, that things should go wrong and that you should be left thinking "Fuck I wish everything had worked out".

Because guess what? That's fucking life, that's what happens in real fucking life.

At the end of Batman Begins Gordon talks about escalation and that's exactly what The Dark Knight does, it escalates everything. The sense of scale, scope of story, the script, the acting, the actors, the effects, the plot, the vision, the direction and the cinematography are all taken up a notch.

At one point Bale says"Batman has no limits". After the record-breaking opening night, record breaking weekend and record breaking first week I'd say he's right. With this Batman, Nolan has broken free of the constraints of a 'superhero movie' and demolished the 'comic book movie' genre.

I wrote earlier that I always thought that it isn't Bruce Wayne dressing as Batman but Batman dressing as Bruce Wayne. Well this movie can't be pigeon holed or reduced down to something as easy as 'the perfect comic book adaptation' nor is it 'the perfect Batman film'.

It is simply a perfect film, one which happens to feature a man dressed as a bat.

A long shit strapline, please.

- Hello there creatives! Samsung here, listen guys good news! Our new phone is the official phone of the Olympics.

- Great! How can we help?

- Well you remember that really cool Nike basketball advert from a few years ago, where they make the percussian with the balls?

- Yep that was cool.

- Well we want that. But with all different sports. Even ones that don't work.

- Right. Anything else?

- Yeah... can you make it look like all the sports are happening in different places and they are being somehow transmitted live with video via our phones to a kind of euro-trance DJ who is holding a massive rave by looping and remixing all the elements on the fly using ten more of our phones.

- Er... yeeeeeaaaah, does your phone have video calling?

- Nope.

- Does it have some kind of music loop remix function?

- Nope.

- OK, anything else?

- Yeah can you give it a really long shit strapline that makes no sense. We need to mention the fact that it's a samsung. And the fact it's called tocco. Also can we mention that it's a touchscreen. If you can we need to somehow get across the idea that you can use it to connect to things and people. Can we somehow also mention Olympic spirit? Oh, and definately get something in there about imagination cos that sounds creative. Something that sounds like creativity is coming to life...

- Fuck yeah why not? How about this? When your Samsung Tocco touchscreen mobile connects you to your Olympic spirit imagination lives.

- Brilliant! That is really long, awkward, unwieldy and makes no fucking sense at all it will match our shitty ad perfectly! Take the rest of the day off.

- I'm afraid I can't.

- Why not?

- I've been fired for giving in to clients stupid fucking requests and producing mind numbing shit. I'm about to be taken away and thrown into a giant mincemeat grinder for pointless people. I'll be turned into luxury dogfood. Please send any feedback to Jim, he'll be starting Monday.

- No, probs. Can you make the logo bigger.

- GAaaghh -BBBBBUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ - Arrrrrrghghh - SPLATTER SPLAT SPLAT.

10 reasons why the Dark Knight is going to be fucking amazing

It's been three years, one month and three days since I first saw the Joker card set-up toward the end of Batman Begins.

And (not that I'm counting the days or anything) in three days time I'll be seeing the pay-off in all it's IMAX glory.

I can't fucking wait.

Till then let's bathe in some of the gentle swell of hype surrounding the greatest movie to be committed to celluloid in this or any other dimension, ever. 

So what's so great about it? Well here's 10 things for a start:

1
It's a Batman film. Not just any Batman film though, it's a Chris Nolan Batman film that builds on an already amazing Chris Nolan Batman reboot. Both of which happen to star the excellent Christian Bale.

Now I'm not gay for Bale but I like him.

Generally since the Machinist I'll pretty much watch a movie because Bale is in it. Just to see what he does with the part. I liked him a lot in Batman Begins especially coming off the back of the frightening weight loss of the machinist.


So whatever happens you're pretty much guaranteed a good performance from Bale and a well written (thanks to Chris and Jonathan Nolan) and well directed Batman movie. A movie that should be all the better for being freed up from the constraints of an origin story.


2
The Joker! 

Ever since I saw that Joker card I've been looking forward to this sequel. Joker is far and away my favourite villain, but who would Nolan cast as the criminal "with a taste for the theatrical"? Fanboy rumours brewed, lists of dream casting choices emerged on the message boards of geekland.

But you know who wasn't on any of those boards and lists?

Heathcliffe Andrew Ledger.

The blonde guy from A Knights Tale, Four Feathers and The Brothers Grimm? As the Joker?

Not the fans first choice apparently:

"With all of the great choices out there (Leary, Glover, Penn, Brody) they're gonna go with Heath FUCKING Ledger???"

"Ledger would be more miscast than Arnold Scwarzenegger."

"Wrong wrong wrong"

"The guy can't act for shit."

"Bad choice. Hope it's not true."

"Really bad. Ledger is a bit too nice looking for the Joker, isn't he? Are we going to see an annoying 'updated' Joker? Or is Ledger willing to do what it takes to really portray the character?"

Yeah, what? Fucking Ledger? Ppffft! I could but a green wig on my dogs cock and get a better Joker, why must Hollywood continue raping my childhood with this kind of shit. To be honest I was more in the 'wait and see' mob than the 'kill everyone involved' mob.

Soon after the production started rumours were flying about that Heath had drug problems, that his girlfriend had chucked him out, so he was doing even more drugs, and that he was getting 'too into the character of the Joker'. 

He does look a bit 'distracted' here though, chilly in there Heath? Or are the cravings starting to bite?



Anyway eventually a picture surfaced of the new Joker. A disturbing Col. Kurtz meets The Cure style Joker. I was pretty excited, as promised Nolan was dragging the comic back into his realistic Gotham. This picture gave the first hint at how a 'real' Joker would be portrayed, I liked it.



The thing I've always thought about the Joker is that he's just a fucking lunatic. The things he does aren't funny, he just does them because they amuse him. I wanted a Joker who cracks babies skulls instead of jokes, a complete psychopath who finds everyone else's values, rules and restraint laughable.

But you should never be laughing - you should feel scared, disgusted and nervous. Maybe a nervous laugh slips out but only because you're in shock and your brain can't deal with what he's doing.

Like in Dark Knight Returns when Joker dresses up an ageing Selina Kyle (Catwoman) as Wonder Woman then beats her senseless, leaving her as a clue for Batman.

Or in The Killing Joke when he 'surprises' Commissioner Gordan's daughter by dropping by unannounced and shooting her through the spine. Then proceeding to strip her naked and take a series of porno snaps while she writhes around in her own blood and he sips wine.

The bullet will put her in a wheel chair for the rest of her life, meanwhile the pictures are enlarged and projected around the walls of an abandoned funfair where her father is forced to look at them while being held prisoner. Naked. In a cage.

That's the Joker I want to see, and it started to look like that's who was heading our way.

Reports said Ledger locked himself away in a hotel room for six weeks to come up with "...the psychology, the voice, the laugh even the walk for the Joker". He read through critical Joker issues of Batman comics including The Killing Joke and Batman #1 (which featured the first appearance of the Joker).

Yeah! Great stuff! More please! Really dig deep!



Then he showed New York Times reporter Sarah Lyall his 'Joker diary'. Filled with important scribblings and clippings he'd pieced together. It contained elements of the Jokers origin as well as writing on things the Joker would find funny, like AIDS.

Yeah Yeah! That's it. Fucking brilliant! He's actually going nuts!

Next came reports that Ledger was exhausted, that his daily performances were gruelling and that he was sleeping less and less. In an interview he was quoted as saying that he was getting about two hours sleep a night and that his mind was racing.

Yeah, woohoo more! I hope it sends him fucking batshit. I hope he actually becomes the Joker and needs locking up in the loony bin!

How much of that was Joker and how much of that was coke or insomnia is another matter. Still, coke, insomnia and method acting your way into the Joker's head would take it's toll on anyone.

But fuck it! Keep going Ledge, I want this to be the best Joker ever - I mean push it, really push it, don't kill yourself obviously...



Oh. Erm.

By now I didn't think anything could happen that would make me want to see this film more than I already did. But I'm ashamed to say that this sent my anticipation through the roof.

I know it's wrong, I know it's ghoulish and I know the whole sorry affair is an absolutely tragic waste of life. But putting that aside, Warner Brothers just got the kind of marketing campaign that money can't buy.

If it was a marketing stunt and he really had 'become the Joker' it would go down in history. Playing on the fact that whenever it seems as though the Joker of the comics is dead they never find a body - Ledger could pop out of a body bag at the premiere in full make-up! Ha ha, what a wheeze! I'm the Joker tee-hee... here's my film.

Sadly that isn't case.

Nevertheless, now I'm twice as eager to see it, especially when you hear people like Michael Caine saying Ledger plays the Joker as "a scary psychopath... so full on that the first time I saw him I forgot my lines".

3
Two-Face! Someone I work with mentioned that their friend was working on Two-Face effects at framestore last year. So now we have two amazing villains and the it sounds like the Joker is only part of the story. Plus since Harvey Dent is in the trailers then we must also get a Two-Face origin story into the bargain.

The rise and fall of Harvey Dent.

How, when and why all this takes place is unknown but it means even more excitement on top of the already unbearable amount of excitement that is bubbling around in my Dark Knight addled brain.

4
Michael Caine, Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman.

Gah! Excitement!

5
IMAX - certain scenes (including the Jokers intro) were filmed specially for IMAX which is why that's where I'll be when I see it for the first time.

More excitement!

6
This bus shelter advert...



7
This ranking on the IMDB 250 greatest films, of all time...



8
This ranking on Rotten Tomatoes...




9
These quotes from critics...

Nolan has painted a richly vivid landscape of death and iniquity. The view is breathtaking.

The movie isn't just a triumph, it is that rare pop-culture oddity: A masterpiece.

Do not worry about going in with unrealistic expectations. Your expectations pale in comparison with what The Dark Knight is prepared to deliver.

Believe every ounce of the hype surrounding The Dark Knight.

The Godfather II of comic book movies.

Better than Heat, the Godfather and Empire strikes back. Also happens to feature a man dressed as a Bat.

This film is not only one of the year's best; it may well end up as the finest of 2008. At the very least, it deserves consideration for Best Picture and Best Director, along with the expected Oscar kudos for Ledger.

Squaring off the best-ever Batman and the best-ever Joker would've been enough, but director Nolan sticks them inside an ensemble crime saga that should make Scorsese proud.

10
It cures cancer.