The Dark Knight (2008)

As you may or may not know, I was quite excited about this film.

When bat-day finally came last week I went through a bizarre gamut of emotions, I felt like I was going to a wedding, then I went a bit distant, later I felt confused and empty as if I hadn't slept for a week, then I felt like I'd won something amazing but had forgotten what it was.

I think I got so excited that I went beyond excitement, journeying into a numb psychological territory where I felt nothing whatsoever and yet still knew something very big was going to happen. Like Christmas Eve on the on the first year I started to understand what Christmas was.

As we queued to go in I was so worked up I actually said that I felt like I was queuing up to go into space.

I went for a dump before I entered the auditorium purely because, given my unpredictable mental state, I honestly didn't know if the excitement of seeing The Dark Knight being projected at the IMAX would make me literally shit in my pants. Once the movie started, had I needed a piss I think I'd have undone my laces and done it in my shoe rather than leave my seat.

It's not unfair to say that as the Warner Brothers logo faded in and a burning bat-sign fell toward the five storey high screen - my expectations were set pretty high.

Three hours later I was in a worse state coming out than I was going in. We both had to stumble to the nearest pub like glassy-eyed, shell-shocked zombies and order a stiff drink.

Even then I had trouble articulating my thoughts because no matter how high my expectations were set, and they were set ridiculously high, the Dark Knight had managed to surpass them on every level.

There are so many things right with this film that it is almost impossible to know where to start.

One thing you'll notice from almost every review so far is that no-one mentions the plot or structure. Which makes it all the more surprising to discover that this is one of the strongest things about the movie.

It deals with peoples limits, their individual boundaries of right and wrong and what it takes to make those people cross the line.

The Joker incrementally deconstructs all the key players and some of the lesser characters - slowly pushing them toward their individual breaking points. With each anarchic stunt the Joker pulls, he drags them closer toward his own moral abyss until they all teeter on the brink. Then he laughs in their face and pushes them over the edge.

With no need for back story the Joker arrives fully formed and proceeds tear a ragged swath through every scene he's in. The ultimate villain, made fantastically unsettling and unpredictable through grim blend of the sociopathic and psychopathic. But the real icing on the cake, and possibly the reason this is one of the finest Joker interpretations of any medium, is that despite his lunatic appearance and claims that he has no plan, Joker isn't crazy in any gibbering conventional sense. He is a manic genius and he's playing his frightening game six moves ahead of everyone else.

When you have to adhere to the law, even Batmans distilled law of 'anything goes except killing' how do you fight an anonymous, psychopathic, sociopathic genius with no rules and nothing to loose. How do you fight him and not become him?

It's the ultimate summation of who and what the Joker is and it's fucking amazing to see him come to life in all his sickly cruel, grottily intelligent, unhinged beauty.

It's probably worth mentioning the actor behind the make-up at this point, but that's tricky.

You see, other actors in the film are playing parts. Morgan Freeman plays Lucius Fox although really he's just doing his benevolent Morgan Freeman thing. Gary Oldman plays Lieutenant Gordon, he plays him very well... but you still know it's Gary Oldman to some extent. Bale is Bruce Wayne, definitely, but he's also Bale. Micheal Caine is Alfred but if we're honest he's just Michael Caine. And there's nothing wrong with that.

But Heath Ledger? Heath Ledger playing the Joker?

Heath Ledger doesn't play the Joker, Heath Ledger isn't in the movie. The only place Heath Ledger appears is in the credits - this movie stars the Joker, the actual Joker. There is only the Joker onscreen and he's so stunningly, scarily spot-on that by the end of it you're left not only craving more of him but also actively pitying the poor bastard who attempts to follow him. I laughed, I got freaked out and I was even jumpy at points. He didn't so much bullseye the Joker as shoot one arrow at the bullseye then repeatedly fire thinner arrows into that arrow until he split the atom and nuked any other incarnation of the Joker.

Will he get an posthumous oscar?

If it was up to me he'd get a four hundred foot high solid gold illuminated statue of the Joker on Mt. Lee Perch. The letters beneath it that spell HOLLY would be replaced with JOKER because I had JOKERWOOD for 2 and a half hours. I was dizzy leaving the cinema because all the blood had been rushing to my cock for so long. Basically he was very good.

Still no matter how brightly Mr. Ledger burnt, this is still an ensemble piece and everyone plays their part.

Oldman brings a understated vulnerability to Gordon, watch the way he distractedly looks for a chair in Dent's office, almost nervously making himself comfortable, angrily standing up to Harvey's suggestions of corruption "doing the best with what he's got". He's real, he's a fully formed believable character.

Next take a look at Aaron Eckhart, the new cocksure DA, punching out mafia henchmen in a courtroom, supporting Gordons new hardline on organised crime, Gotham's White Knight. Look at his desperation when he sees things sliding out of control, when he realises he can't win, look at his terror, his heartache when he realises the joke's on him. Then look away when you finally see the thing he becomes.

Last but not least - Bale is back in another great performance that reminds me of a William James quote:

"Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is."

So it is here, we see Bale play Bruce Wayne as he wants others to see him, we see him play Bruce Wayne as he sees himself when he is around Alfred and Lucius then finally we see Bruce Wayne as he really is, as what he has become, what he must maintain and what he is unable to escape from - the Batman.

Which tallies perfectly with my view of Batman.

I always assumed that once he set the whole Batman thing in motion Bruce Wayne fundamentally ceased to exist except as a figment of Batman's imagination.

It isn't Bruce Wayne who dresses up as Batman, it's Batman who dresses up as Bruce Wayne.

He's just as unhinged as the Joker he just has different goals and rules. One thing I would say is that Batman sounds like he needs some Strepsils but then again if someone dressed like that jumped on you then started beating you up and shouting "Where is he?" in that voice you'd either tell him what you knew or just openly empty your bowels into your trousers. So I suppose it works.

If I had one complaint it’s that I think Maggie Gyllenhaal has a face like a poorly potato and a delivery like my friend’s impression of Samantha from Sex and the City. But really that’s just being churlish because anything that stops Katie Holmes being in movies is a good thing.

Acting aside, all this emphasis on the psychological make-up and fragmentation of the characters must mean that there's no time for action, right?

Wrong!

There are two action sequences in particular that piss in other action films kettles, wait for it to boil and then chuck fresh boiling piss in their stupid less-action-having faces.

One scene, a skydiving/skyhook sequence in Hong Kong had my mouth hanging open like even more of a slack jawed simpleton than usual whilst another, involving the Bat-Pod, made me say "WOO-OOW, FUUUUCKING HELL and HOLY SHIT DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT!" in rapid succession.

There is a bit in the Bat-Pod sequence where Batman does a sort of 'Hoth battle' cable take-down of the Joker's truck, followed by what can only be described as a 180 degree off-the-wall pirouette at sixty miles an hour.

I'm not kidding, I nearly cried. Out of all four of my eyes.

Add to that the opening sequence, the hospital hi-jinks later and the tech mad end scenes and you've got more than enough to chew on between the brainy bits.

As for reports that it's bleak, dark and depressing. Well, the clue is in the title fucko - it's not called BatFun rainbow troubles in crayon land.

Overall the movie takes a lead from Empire in that it pretty much ends with everything being fucked. Corruption is an overwhelming theme throughout.

Are Gordon's men corrupt? Maybe, but what corrupted them? Can Batman be corrupted and forced to break his one rule? Can the most shining example of law and order by dragged down into the depths of depravity? What would it take? Lucius is disgusted by the corruption of his own technology and he too is pushed toward his own moral limit. Even the criminals are double corrupt, turning on each other by the end.

But there is a redeeming feature to be spotted.

You have to look hard for it but it's a pretty relevant one, especially in the sort of climate where the Doomsday clock stands at five to midnight and the UK Terror Threat stands at SEVERE, indicating an attack is 'highly likely'.

The one positive message from the Dark Knight is that while single people can be pushed to into the abyss of chaos or corruption, people united as a group can't - people as a united force can make a choice and make a difference. The only time anything goes right in the movie is when people act together against something they don't agree with rather than simply reacting to the terror or corruption.

Ultimately Batman isn't a superhero. There is nothing super about him. He can't fly or shoot lasers out of his eyes or throw buses at people. He can't bend space and time or control peoples minds.

He's just a symbol. He's also a very rich psychologically damaged individual who got very good at martial arts after he watched his parents get murdered. There's no reason why he couldn't exist in real life, it would be weird - maybe crazy but possible.

It makes sense that the story should be realistic, even downbeat and depressing. That people should let other people down, that they should fall and give up instead of getting up, that they should fail, that things should go wrong and that you should be left thinking "Fuck I wish everything had worked out".

Because guess what? That's fucking life, that's what happens in real fucking life.

At the end of Batman Begins Gordon talks about escalation and that's exactly what The Dark Knight does, it escalates everything. The sense of scale, scope of story, the script, the acting, the actors, the effects, the plot, the vision, the direction and the cinematography are all taken up a notch.

At one point Bale says"Batman has no limits". After the record-breaking opening night, record breaking weekend and record breaking first week I'd say he's right. With this Batman, Nolan has broken free of the constraints of a 'superhero movie' and demolished the 'comic book movie' genre.

I wrote earlier that I always thought that it isn't Bruce Wayne dressing as Batman but Batman dressing as Bruce Wayne. Well this movie can't be pigeon holed or reduced down to something as easy as 'the perfect comic book adaptation' nor is it 'the perfect Batman film'.

It is simply a perfect film, one which happens to feature a man dressed as a bat.

A long shit strapline, please.

- Hello there creatives! Samsung here, listen guys good news! Our new phone is the official phone of the Olympics.

- Great! How can we help?

- Well you remember that really cool Nike basketball advert from a few years ago, where they make the percussian with the balls?

- Yep that was cool.

- Well we want that. But with all different sports. Even ones that don't work.

- Right. Anything else?

- Yeah... can you make it look like all the sports are happening in different places and they are being somehow transmitted live with video via our phones to a kind of euro-trance DJ who is holding a massive rave by looping and remixing all the elements on the fly using ten more of our phones.

- Er... yeeeeeaaaah, does your phone have video calling?

- Nope.

- Does it have some kind of music loop remix function?

- Nope.

- OK, anything else?

- Yeah can you give it a really long shit strapline that makes no sense. We need to mention the fact that it's a samsung. And the fact it's called tocco. Also can we mention that it's a touchscreen. If you can we need to somehow get across the idea that you can use it to connect to things and people. Can we somehow also mention Olympic spirit? Oh, and definately get something in there about imagination cos that sounds creative. Something that sounds like creativity is coming to life...

- Fuck yeah why not? How about this? When your Samsung Tocco touchscreen mobile connects you to your Olympic spirit imagination lives.

- Brilliant! That is really long, awkward, unwieldy and makes no fucking sense at all it will match our shitty ad perfectly! Take the rest of the day off.

- I'm afraid I can't.

- Why not?

- I've been fired for giving in to clients stupid fucking requests and producing mind numbing shit. I'm about to be taken away and thrown into a giant mincemeat grinder for pointless people. I'll be turned into luxury dogfood. Please send any feedback to Jim, he'll be starting Monday.

- No, probs. Can you make the logo bigger.

- GAaaghh -BBBBBUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ - Arrrrrrghghh - SPLATTER SPLAT SPLAT.

10 reasons why the Dark Knight is going to be fucking amazing

It's been three years, one month and three days since I first saw the Joker card set-up toward the end of Batman Begins.

And (not that I'm counting the days or anything) in three days time I'll be seeing the pay-off in all it's IMAX glory.

I can't fucking wait.

Till then let's bathe in some of the gentle swell of hype surrounding the greatest movie to be committed to celluloid in this or any other dimension, ever. 

So what's so great about it? Well here's 10 things for a start:

1
It's a Batman film. Not just any Batman film though, it's a Chris Nolan Batman film that builds on an already amazing Chris Nolan Batman reboot. Both of which happen to star the excellent Christian Bale.

Now I'm not gay for Bale but I like him.

Generally since the Machinist I'll pretty much watch a movie because Bale is in it. Just to see what he does with the part. I liked him a lot in Batman Begins especially coming off the back of the frightening weight loss of the machinist.


So whatever happens you're pretty much guaranteed a good performance from Bale and a well written (thanks to Chris and Jonathan Nolan) and well directed Batman movie. A movie that should be all the better for being freed up from the constraints of an origin story.


2
The Joker! 

Ever since I saw that Joker card I've been looking forward to this sequel. Joker is far and away my favourite villain, but who would Nolan cast as the criminal "with a taste for the theatrical"? Fanboy rumours brewed, lists of dream casting choices emerged on the message boards of geekland.

But you know who wasn't on any of those boards and lists?

Heathcliffe Andrew Ledger.

The blonde guy from A Knights Tale, Four Feathers and The Brothers Grimm? As the Joker?

Not the fans first choice apparently:

"With all of the great choices out there (Leary, Glover, Penn, Brody) they're gonna go with Heath FUCKING Ledger???"

"Ledger would be more miscast than Arnold Scwarzenegger."

"Wrong wrong wrong"

"The guy can't act for shit."

"Bad choice. Hope it's not true."

"Really bad. Ledger is a bit too nice looking for the Joker, isn't he? Are we going to see an annoying 'updated' Joker? Or is Ledger willing to do what it takes to really portray the character?"

Yeah, what? Fucking Ledger? Ppffft! I could but a green wig on my dogs cock and get a better Joker, why must Hollywood continue raping my childhood with this kind of shit. To be honest I was more in the 'wait and see' mob than the 'kill everyone involved' mob.

Soon after the production started rumours were flying about that Heath had drug problems, that his girlfriend had chucked him out, so he was doing even more drugs, and that he was getting 'too into the character of the Joker'. 

He does look a bit 'distracted' here though, chilly in there Heath? Or are the cravings starting to bite?



Anyway eventually a picture surfaced of the new Joker. A disturbing Col. Kurtz meets The Cure style Joker. I was pretty excited, as promised Nolan was dragging the comic back into his realistic Gotham. This picture gave the first hint at how a 'real' Joker would be portrayed, I liked it.



The thing I've always thought about the Joker is that he's just a fucking lunatic. The things he does aren't funny, he just does them because they amuse him. I wanted a Joker who cracks babies skulls instead of jokes, a complete psychopath who finds everyone else's values, rules and restraint laughable.

But you should never be laughing - you should feel scared, disgusted and nervous. Maybe a nervous laugh slips out but only because you're in shock and your brain can't deal with what he's doing.

Like in Dark Knight Returns when Joker dresses up an ageing Selina Kyle (Catwoman) as Wonder Woman then beats her senseless, leaving her as a clue for Batman.

Or in The Killing Joke when he 'surprises' Commissioner Gordan's daughter by dropping by unannounced and shooting her through the spine. Then proceeding to strip her naked and take a series of porno snaps while she writhes around in her own blood and he sips wine.

The bullet will put her in a wheel chair for the rest of her life, meanwhile the pictures are enlarged and projected around the walls of an abandoned funfair where her father is forced to look at them while being held prisoner. Naked. In a cage.

That's the Joker I want to see, and it started to look like that's who was heading our way.

Reports said Ledger locked himself away in a hotel room for six weeks to come up with "...the psychology, the voice, the laugh even the walk for the Joker". He read through critical Joker issues of Batman comics including The Killing Joke and Batman #1 (which featured the first appearance of the Joker).

Yeah! Great stuff! More please! Really dig deep!



Then he showed New York Times reporter Sarah Lyall his 'Joker diary'. Filled with important scribblings and clippings he'd pieced together. It contained elements of the Jokers origin as well as writing on things the Joker would find funny, like AIDS.

Yeah Yeah! That's it. Fucking brilliant! He's actually going nuts!

Next came reports that Ledger was exhausted, that his daily performances were gruelling and that he was sleeping less and less. In an interview he was quoted as saying that he was getting about two hours sleep a night and that his mind was racing.

Yeah, woohoo more! I hope it sends him fucking batshit. I hope he actually becomes the Joker and needs locking up in the loony bin!

How much of that was Joker and how much of that was coke or insomnia is another matter. Still, coke, insomnia and method acting your way into the Joker's head would take it's toll on anyone.

But fuck it! Keep going Ledge, I want this to be the best Joker ever - I mean push it, really push it, don't kill yourself obviously...



Oh. Erm.

By now I didn't think anything could happen that would make me want to see this film more than I already did. But I'm ashamed to say that this sent my anticipation through the roof.

I know it's wrong, I know it's ghoulish and I know the whole sorry affair is an absolutely tragic waste of life. But putting that aside, Warner Brothers just got the kind of marketing campaign that money can't buy.

If it was a marketing stunt and he really had 'become the Joker' it would go down in history. Playing on the fact that whenever it seems as though the Joker of the comics is dead they never find a body - Ledger could pop out of a body bag at the premiere in full make-up! Ha ha, what a wheeze! I'm the Joker tee-hee... here's my film.

Sadly that isn't case.

Nevertheless, now I'm twice as eager to see it, especially when you hear people like Michael Caine saying Ledger plays the Joker as "a scary psychopath... so full on that the first time I saw him I forgot my lines".

3
Two-Face! Someone I work with mentioned that their friend was working on Two-Face effects at framestore last year. So now we have two amazing villains and the it sounds like the Joker is only part of the story. Plus since Harvey Dent is in the trailers then we must also get a Two-Face origin story into the bargain.

The rise and fall of Harvey Dent.

How, when and why all this takes place is unknown but it means even more excitement on top of the already unbearable amount of excitement that is bubbling around in my Dark Knight addled brain.

4
Michael Caine, Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman.

Gah! Excitement!

5
IMAX - certain scenes (including the Jokers intro) were filmed specially for IMAX which is why that's where I'll be when I see it for the first time.

More excitement!

6
This bus shelter advert...



7
This ranking on the IMDB 250 greatest films, of all time...



8
This ranking on Rotten Tomatoes...




9
These quotes from critics...

Nolan has painted a richly vivid landscape of death and iniquity. The view is breathtaking.

The movie isn't just a triumph, it is that rare pop-culture oddity: A masterpiece.

Do not worry about going in with unrealistic expectations. Your expectations pale in comparison with what The Dark Knight is prepared to deliver.

Believe every ounce of the hype surrounding The Dark Knight.

The Godfather II of comic book movies.

Better than Heat, the Godfather and Empire strikes back. Also happens to feature a man dressed as a Bat.

This film is not only one of the year's best; it may well end up as the finest of 2008. At the very least, it deserves consideration for Best Picture and Best Director, along with the expected Oscar kudos for Ledger.

Squaring off the best-ever Batman and the best-ever Joker would've been enough, but director Nolan sticks them inside an ensemble crime saga that should make Scorsese proud.

10
It cures cancer.

Who watches the Watchmen?

You can, on this tiny trailer:



Looks fucking great.

I didn't think it was possible to get any more excited about the Dark Knight but apparently this trailer runs with it. An exciting cherry on the top of an already pant tentingly exciting bat-shaped cake.

One week till Bat-day, holy shit I couldn't be any more excited if I had the script to the new Quentin Tarantino movie. Which I do - review coming soon, but till then Watch the watchmen and countdown to BAT-DAY. Fucking yeah.

Banged Up

Channel Five do it again with a new multi-part reality show featuring David Blunkett as a Bizarro World prison based stand-in for Alan Sugar. Already dubbed 'Shame Academy' in the press, Blunkett 'oversees' (ho ho) proceedings - though sadly never gets to point roughly in the young thugs direction and say "You're fucked" before putting them away for life.

In fact there isn't that much threat at all here. Real prison looks shit and I'd hate to be there but ten days in TV jail is a piece of piss. They could have at least made it last a month or two.

Having said that one poor little hardnut from Sunderland did crack under the pressure last night. He had to leave and go home because it was all too much. Edited away from the start of the show it gave the impression they'd maybe been in there a while. Who knows how long?

Locked up in a twelve by five cell. You lose sense of time, the days go on for ever. Nothing to do. You can't breathe, those white walls close in on you. Some panic, lose their mind, others cry themselves to sleep. Some get mad. Mad at the world, mad at themselves - but the walls still close in. Whitewashed witnesses to wasted lives. Or, maybe not.

How long did this little tough guy last? 

Bearing in mind that he had a camera crew with him.

And that he knew he was totally safe. And also knew he'd be out in ten days. 

How long?

A week? Six days? Five? I mean that might be hard. Two? One?

No.

Three hours.

Three.

Hours.

I've had longer baths.

Diary of the Dead (2007)

Bad acting is always annoying but when you allow a bad actress to read a self-indulgent drawling voice over - teeth really start to grate. Doubly so if it's American. If the voice is in its early twenties and starts pointing out ham-fisted cultural observations in a world weary fashion, anger levels start to rise exponentially. Soon teeth start to clench and crack while fingernails slowly dig into armrests.

So then, how would you feel when you realise the voice over belongs to a girl who just finished editing a documentary.

A documentary about the complete and utter breakdown of civilisation as we know it, the end of the world. A documentary in which her own parents are filmed being shot and killed as she watches. A documentary where some of her friends become unwitting murderers while others are shown graphically committing suicide.

A documentary where all our worst nightmares come true and the dead rise again to walk the Earth.

You might think "Holy shit that sounds amazing, or moving, or gory. Or all of the above!"

You might, until she says "I've added some music. To scare you."

Then, you'd either burst out laughing and press eject or you'd waste the next hour and a half of your life watching George R. Romero's Diary of the Dead.

Before I break down this tremendous log of a movie into flushable chunks let me start by simply stating: Diary of the Dead is shit. Absolute unadulterated shit.

Just in case you are thinking of renting it, don't. It stinks like a shit in a microwave on full power. It is, by far, one of the shittiest movies I've seen in quite some time.

It is so shit I expected the actors to walk out halfway through.

When I say actors I mean 'cunts'. Because that's what they are, either for claiming they are actors or for knowing they can act and still taking part in this terrible affront to both cinema and logic.

At the heart of the movie is a simple premise; some film students happen to be shooting a movie when Romero's zombie crisis breaks out. One particularly hateful student decides to document the events on camera as they try to get to safety.

The fact that the movie is edited then introduced by his girlfriend - gives away the fact that he doesn't make it. Any sense of realism leaves shortly afterward with the line;

"I've added some music, to scare you."

In the movie world it is assumed that this scene is filmed after the crisis. So we must also assume that you the viewer will have been seriously affected by it, loved ones may have died. Then come back to life and then been killed by you. In a horrible way.
Sixty to seventy percent of your close friends will be dead or undead. Nowhere is safe. The home-guard and armed forces have given up protecting the public and turned to looting them for survival. Every TV channel and phone connection is out. Soon the power will be. It is literally the end of the world.

But you know what's really scary?

The creepy music on this shitty student documentary. 

Logically this is like saying that without 'spooky music' the footage of mass graves at Bergen-Belsen isn't really that unsettling. Or that without a pantomime DUN-DUN-DUUUHH live execution footage would probably be a bit of a laugh. 

This is the first of many Suspension Of Dis-belief Slip-ups, or SODS for short, that ruin the whole conceit.

Here is a list of just some of the silly SODS in Diary of the Dead:

1. "I've added music to scare you"
   
2. Everyone in the film.
   
3. The fact that the guy who is filming never stops filming, in fact he dies purely because he keeps filming rather than fighting.
   
4. Everything everyone does in the film.
5. The alcoholic Film tutor's 'Thesp' voice. So outrageous it would be more at home as a camp suit of armour called "Sir Knows-a-lot" in a children's cartoon.
6. The alcoholic Film tutor's speech on seeing too much killing in the war. He looks about fifty, and went to Eton so which war involving the British would that have been? 
7. The head smackingly bad line; "Shoot me, shoot me" from our film student when he finally catches one in the neck. He is gesturing to his dropped camera - not the gun. 
8. The awful, awful droning drawling voice over and stock footage montages on video culture that interrupt the mood and bounce you out of the film every ten minutes.
   
9. The abject lack of subtlety in delivering the message.
10. The alcoholic Film tutor arming himself with a bow and arrow because it's 'nicer' than a gun.
    
11. If the phones are out and the TV is out. Would myspace and YOU TUBE be working? Would anyone be logging on?
12. The farmer who gets bitten by a zombie from behind and swings his scythe up through his own head and into the zombies head as well, killing them both.
13. After everything that has happened and considering the scale of the personal and global tragedy that has unfolded, would you really bother editing a movie about it?
14. If you did, which is unlikely, would you sit there and choose which creepy music to add? Where would you do that? Why would you do that?
15. Just in case you forgot: "I've added music, to scare you"

There's plenty more, though you'll need to watch the film yourself if you want to spot them all.

Putting aside the absurd script, amateurish acting, non-story and the unoriginal and poorly executed conceit - there are a few good zombie deaths.

Most notably the crash cart paddles being applied to a zombie nurses head causing her eyes to boil and burst like poached eggs.

Also some good comedy zombies. The found footage of a kids birthday party for example; a clown shuffles into view, kids cheer. The Dad honks the clowns nose which promptly falls off, blood squirts out the nose hole, kids scream and then CoCo turns Dads neck into dogfood.

These parts are few and far between, maybe the worst crime on display here is that it's a zombie movie without many zombies. The best you could do is to get really drunk or stoned and press play fully expecting it to be the worst thing you've ever seen. 

The only thing that shuffles and scares here is the story and the quality of acting. Like the zombies, the movie is crying out for the one thing it really lacks; brains, braaainssss.

If Cloverfield has an ugly younger brother with learning difficulties who wears rollerskates with a grubby tutu and falls over a lot then shouts "Bingo" and shits himself - it is this film.

Behold a trailer came and it did herald of the End of Days

I watched WANTED on the weekend but was first treated to this piece of unpleasantness:



One minute I was expecting to see a harmless fight club / Matrix mash-up, the next I see the Herald of the Apocalypse in the shape of this trailer. I couldn't tell if it was a Chris Morris gag or a real thing.

I'm all for interesting shocking cinema. Movies that challenge you often force you to find your own meaning, to work a bit for the message and learn something about yourself in the process. What is the message here?

Well it's a message for the girls and that message is:

Don't smoke crack with people you've never met on an isolated yacht then let them have anal sex with you knowing full well that they intend to punch you hard in the back of the head before they ejaculate.

Because, you see, that's dangerous for ohhh, ermm AN INFINITE NUMBER OF REASONS. It's cheap-misogynistic-shock-shit for the sake of it. But it's the nonchalant way that they've dropped it that is most disturbing.

I imagine this is how it starts, the beginning of the end.

Just casually toss in trailer for a movie about recreational crack smoking and punching women in the back of the head during sex, then quickly move on to a Batman or a Hancock trailer.

Yeah, Donkey Punch that's fine it's just like Batman and Will Smith. Ha Ha - remember Fresh Prince- in fact did I even see that Donkey thing? What was it? Maybe I made it up or fell asleep.

Gradually there'll be more things creeping in. One minute you'll be watching an advert for Calgon or Disney then sudddenly it'll cut to grainy footage of a girl with a black eye gagging on a shotgun barrel whilst being raped. Then Barry Scott will suddenly crackle into view and Cillit Bang! The image is gone!

You won't even be sure you saw it at all. Subconsciously though, you'll be starting to accept it as normal.

A few weeks later your TV will be happily puking gang rape and snuff 24/7 - later that day a door will open in the sky, visible from every nation. The first of four seals will be broken and the four horsemen will ride out.

Donkey Punch? What are they going to call the sequel?

Space Docking? Cleveland Steamer?