I'll tell you what does my head in: Number 1

The first of a continuing series addressing things that do my head in.

People who hold mobile phones in front of their face to speak, put them to their ear to listen then hold them back in front their face again to reply.

I've started noticing this recently but I can't figure out why it's happening. I'd just about credit it from a confused octogenarian wandering the streets in an open backed hospital gown. But it seems to be young kids that are doing it.

I've seen about six chavs this week wandering round roaring like Captain Kirk trying to get beamed out of a hurricane. One girl in Liverpool Street looked like she was dialling in an airstrike. She actually shouted "Say again!?" as if re-checking vital co-ordinates. The illusion was shattered when she screamed "Because it's fahkin' pissin' dahn an' I just dan me 'air in I".

Why do they do it? Have they watched too much Apprentice? Are they so dim that anything more complex than a knife generates Victorian time traveller levels of confuddlement? Is there a major design flaw in one brand of phones?

Whatever it is, it does my head in.