Matthew Mctwattyhey.

I was in HMV on the weekend buying the first two seasons of THE WIRE when I saw this double pack...


Does he have it in his contract that he has to lean at thirty fucking degrees in everything? Why is he always leaning on blondes? Why has he always got his hands in his pockets?

Why is he such a casual, carefree,  confuddling twat? I bet the stylist got fired for fastening his jacket in the second one.

"I'm casual - you've fastened my fucking jacket you r-tard, thirty degrees doesn't look casual with a fastened fucking jacket DOES IT?!! Well?! You're fucking fired."

In the Failure to Launch poster he's rocking on his heels which makes him look some kind of novelty crate trolley. 

Maybe SJP should hammer some wheels through his ankles and use him to carry wheel around heavy objects, like her saddle and horse shoes for when she needs to be rode in a gymkhana....

Travellin' Troubles

What with all the excitement of batday I never got round to writing this little incident up, however a close friend of mine has demanded it following my colourful description, so here goes.

First a bit of context. This all happened on the same day as batday, after watching it on IMAX in the afternoon I was heading back to my parents home for the wedding of an old friend.

The train journey is about three hours, but since I was still in shock from batday I wasn't that bothered. Plus I was also starting a week long holiday which made for an unusually tolerant mood.

Now this tale probably works best if you imagine it as an early Laurel & Hardy silent two-reeler.

But with no Stan Laurel and me playing Oliver Hardy.

So... I get on the train to find a bloke in my seat at the table. But no problem, even though his mate is also sitting opposite , there was still two free seats at the table so I stowed my bag in the rack.

From now on imagine I'm Oliver Hardy complete with bowler hat and tie, everything is black and white, looks a bit crackly and any dialouge is communicated via elaborate black screen cards bearing white script - like a silent movie.

I promise, all of this happened...

IRIS IN:

1. INT: TRAIN – MEDIUM SHOT - FROM OPPOSITE TABLE

Bag safely stowed, OLLIE sits down in the aisle seat placing a book on the table. Opposite him sits a guy with a shaved head. In the window seat next to OLLIE is the sruffy looking friend of the bald guy.

As he smoothes down his jacket the fellow opposite says…

BALDY

"Hello."

OLLIE gives a nod and a smile…

OLLIE

"Hello."

The guy next to OLLIE turns to address him…

SCRUFFY

"Hello.”

OLLIE raises his hat and we get another cheery…

OLLIE

"Hello."

As the train begins to pull out of the station OLLIE settles back and opens his book.

2. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – OLLIE/SCRUFFY

The guy next to OLLIE says…

SCRUFFY

"We're returning from India."

OLLIE responds with raised eyebrows and a silent "oh".

The guy continues by wiggling two fingers…

SCRUFFY

"We've been travelling for two days.”

3. INT: TRAIN – MEDIUM SHOT - FROM OPPOSITE TABLE

The fellow opposite starts to stretch and settle back…

4. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – BALD FELLOW/EMPTY SEAT

…he yawns dramatically and says…

BALDY

"We'll probably be asleep before the next stop"

5. INT: TRAIN – MEDIUM SHOT - FROM OPPOSITE TABLE

OLLIE couldn't give a fuck what they do but he gives them a jovial smile and points to his book saying…

OLLIE

"Don’t worry, I brought a book"

They all laugh.

A watch face is superimposed over the scene and we see 30 minutes tick by at high speed.

Scenery whips past the windows, OLLIE reads his book and gradually the travellers fall asleep.

6. INT: VIEW DOWN THE AISLE

A builder enters the carriage and stows his work bag above the table before taking the remaining seat.

7. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – OLLIE/SCRUFFY

OLLIE is engrossed in his book running the gamut of facial expressions. He finishes with a satisfied little chuckle that wobbles his hat. 

He continues to read becoming increasingly absorbed in the book until… 

SCRUFFY

"Zzzzzz."

OLLIE bunches up his shoulders as if someone is drilling next to his head.

He slowly swivels to look at the guy next to him.

SCRUFFY pantomimes another loud snore against the window.

8. INT: TRAIN – CLOSE UP - OLLIE

OLLIE looks to camera briefly then back down to continue reading his book.

Almost as soon as he does SCRUFFY's head flops into frame and onto OLLIE’s shoulder – he is still fast asleep.

OLLIE’s eyes slowly roll back up to look straight into camera, we get two or three blinks.

OLLIE glances at the traveller, sighs and then turns back to his book.

Pause just long enough for OLLIE to look like he’s enjoying his book again before cutting to…

SCRUFFY

"Zzzzzzzz."

Cut back to OLLIE looking miserably straight into camera.

He is drumming his fingers on the table; the traveller is snoring directly into his left ear.

9. INT: TRAIN – MEDIUM SHOT - FROM OPPOSITE TABLE

OLLIE looks at the BUILDER opposite and says… 

OLLIE

“What next?"

The BUILDER chuckles.

7. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – OLLIE/SCRUFFY

SCRUFFY stirs, sitting up slightly, he yawns and stretches his arms wide.

OLLIE leans forward with relief, fiddles with his jacket lapels and re-opens his book with a smile.

Just as he settles back - the travellers head flops back to OLLIE’s shoulder, his right arm in mid-stretch is now around OLLIE’s back.

He has a sleepy, dopey grin.

8. INT: TRAIN – CLOSE UP – BUILDER

The BUILDER is laughing.

9. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – OLLIE/SCRUFFY

OLLIE looks at the traveller’s hand hugging his right shoulder - emits a theatrical sigh, slumps his shoulders and looks exasperated.

He turns to the traveller and gently tries to move away by very slowly leaning toward the aisle.

The traveller responds by sleepily bringing his other arm up to fully hug OLLIE.

10. INT: TRAIN – CLOSE UP – BUILDER

The BUILDER is pissing himself laughing by now.

11. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – OLLIE/SCRUFF

OLLIE freezes, momentarily in a bizarre clinch with the grinning, snoozing traveller resting on his chest. He’s looking desperately 3/4 off camera with eyebrows raised.

OLLIE slams his book shut.

In a flurry the traveller wakes up, realises who he’s cuddling and quickly tips back the other way before falling asleep against the window.

12. INT: TRAIN – MEDIUM SHOT - FROM OPPOSITE TABLE

OLLIE shakes his head, fiddles with his tie and says to the builder…

OLLIE

“I need a drink.”

IRIS OUT:

IRIS IN:

13. INT: VIEW DOWN THE AISLE

OLLIE returns to the table, he carries a large paper bag containing a hot sandwich, two beers and a bottle of water.

11. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – OLLIE/SCRUFF

OLLIE puts the bag on the table.

As he sits back down, he takes out a can of beer and cracks it open with a satisfied smile.

The sound wakes SCRUFFY up. He drowsily nods to OLLIE – who nods back.

OLLIE takes a swig of beer.

Meanwhile the sleepy traveller continues nodding, slowly moving his attention toward the bag.

OLLIE smiles back at SCRUFFY, mirroring his nodding as the traveller moves ever closer to the bag.

As he looks away for another sip of his beer OLLIE does a double take. The traveller has opened OLLIE's sandwich and is cheerfully munching away.

OLLIE watches in disbelief as he eats the whole thing.

SCRUFFY offers him another sleepy smile in return and slumps back to sleep against the window.

OLLIE looks from the traveller to his beer then shakes his head and chugs what is left of the can.

12. INT: TRAIN – MEDIUM SHOT - FROM OPPOSITE TABLE

The builder is slapping his leg and roaring with laughter.

OLLIE reaches into the bag.

11. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – OLLIE/SCRUFF

Giving the sleepy SCRUFFY a dirty look he opens his second can of beer.

Again this wakes up SCUFFY who slowly makes his way back to the bag.

OLLIE watches in disbelief as he starts to rifle through it again, this time picking out the water.

OLLIE looks even more baffled than before but this time he grabs the bottom of the water and says…

OLLIE

“That’s mine.”

SCRUFFY smiles sleepily. He releases the water and falls back to sleep against the window.

OLLIE shakes his head and puts the water back on the table. No sooner does he take another swig of beer than SCRUFFY is up and making for the water again. OLLIE grabs it before he can get there and says…

OLLIE

“Yeah, it’s still mine!”

SCRUFFY stares at OLLIE for a while before dreamily asking…

SCRUFFY

“Can I have it?”

OLLIE stares at him and emphatically says…

OLLIE

“No! You can't have it.”

SCRUFFY sulkily flops back to sleep and OLLIE puts the water on the opposite side of the table, out of reach.

11. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – BALDY/BUILDER

The BUILDER is wiping tears away from his cheeks he’s laughing so much.

8. INT: TRAIN – CLOSE UP – OLLIE

OLLIE looks exasperated.

OLLIE

“What is with this guy?”

10. INT: TRAIN – CLOSE UP – BUILDER

The BUILDER is shaking his head and laughing even more than ever, he points to SCRUFFY.

11. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – OLLIE/SCRUFF

SCRUFFY is heading toward the empty bag again.

OLLIE

“Jesus, what are you…

OLLIE doesn’t finish his sentence because SCRUFFY pulls the bag toward him and proceeds to vomit into it relentlessy. He vomits for a good 3 or 4 minutes.

OLLIE looks on in horror, gradually edging out of his seat and into the aisle. When he’s done the large paper bag is full to the brim with stinking bile.

SCRUFFY looks at OLLIE, he looks a dog that has been whipped and left out in the rain.

SCRUFFY

“Sorry.”

OLLIE sighs and even though it clearly isn’t he says…

OLLIE

“That’s OK.”

SCRUFFY looks at his bag full of bubbling sick and says…

SCRUFFY

“I’ll… er… clean this up.”

He stands up and before anyone can stop him he lifts up the bag of sick by its handles.

The wet bag immediately splits along the bottom and two litres of fresh hot stinking puke spills over the table, the chairs and all along the floor.

OLLIE

“For fucks sake.”

Soon everyone in the carriage is desperately looking for things to be sick in as the appalling stench travels through the carriage starting a chain reaction of puke, like in Chunk’s story from Goonies.

13. INT: VIEW DOWN THE AISLE

OLLIE makes a dash for the next carriage before the smell reaches him. We see him comically run away from camera down the aisle, holding his hat onto his head.

IRIS OUT:

THE END

Put it in my eye-mouth while I masticate furiously

Remember this piece of shit for Trident gum?

It got banned due to complaints of racism. Why racsist? It's just funny isn't it? A white woman shouting masty-cay-shun for de nay-shun in a bad Jamaican accent... comedy gold, surely?

I suppose it was perceived as racist because the humour was derived from a white woman doing a Jamaican accent thereby implying that there is something inherently funny about the way Jamicans talk. And presumably something twice as funny about a white woman doing a funny Jamican accent.

They did another two, one featuring another white guy doing a 'funny' Jamican accent and one which actually featured a ludicrous Jamican behaving like an escapee from Mind Your Language. On speed.

Coincidentally Trident also happens to be the name for London Police division that deals with gun crime in the black community. That's the only funny thing about the ad.

Anyway Trident are back! In your face!

Droping the mastication line they now want to...

MESS WITH YOUR HEAD!

At first glance I thought this girl was winking her swollen black eye, a carefree victim of the casual spousal abuse of the 50's. But since that wouldn't make any fucking sense whatsoever my brain had to try again.

So I looked closer and realised that she actually has an extra mini mouth instead of a left eye.

A mini eye mouth. With lipstick... and mmm-mmm it's licking it's lips in a sexy suggestive manner.

Mess with your head? How? Is there a chemical in trident gum that causes a bizarre strain of prosopagnosia?

Was she born like that or has she transplanted a little mouth into her eye socket? Congratulations Mrs. Kendall the operation was a complete success, it'll be sore for a few weeks so remember to rinse it with mouth wash if you smoke with it.

Why is it licking its lips? What does it eat? If you were going out with her how long would it be before you asked for an eyejob? Want to try it in the mouth eye? I'll mess with your head, uh-uh yeah, wink me off.

Can she breathe through it? Can it whistle? Does it talk? Congrats team Trident you've messed with my head.

I wonder what they'll do next?

Maybe they could have a naked, female, black Jesus crucified on a burning cross made of wheelchairs mounted on a Victorian steam train. She'd have a vagina for a mouth, an erect horses cock for a nose and two sphincters for eyes. And maybe have loads of octopus tentacles instead of legs.

Above her in massive bouncy pink gothic bubble letters it could say NEW STRAWBERRY CHEESECAKE FLAVOUR.

The slightly smaller strapline could say CHEW-CHEW, GOD IS DEAD.

WALL-E (2008)

I thoroughly enjoyed Pixar's new movie and for the most part I thoroughly enjoy every Pixar movie.

Even Cars. And that was just Shoe People on wheels.

Anyway, I just want to make it clear, I like Pixar. A lot.

But.... I do have a one little niggle with Pixar and surely I can't be the only person that has noticed it.

See if you can spot it...

TOY STORY
Wow it's the hidden world of Toys, that's cool. Oh, I see what you've done, they're toys that come to life when there's no-one around, but wait ha ha Buzz doesn't know he's a toy!

Uh Oh, Woody doesn't like being the second best toy, he used to be number one. Oh no! He got rid of Buzz, now Buzz is lost! I hope Woody and the others can somehow team up and find him. Yes! Brilliant! They did! Because when you work together it all works out.

BUGS LIFE
Oho, hello! What's this? The hidden world of Ants and Grasshoppers. It's a play on Aesop, how clever. Oh and I see what you've done, the Grasshoppers are like evil tyrants and the Ants are the peaceful villagers, it's like The Seven Samurai. Even though they have superior numbers the Ants give in, hmmm it's like they've lost their self belief.

Uh Oh, Flik the rebellious Ant doesn't like being told what to do by lazy grasshoppers, he believes in Ants. Oh no! He's gone off alone on a mad quest, I hope he can find someone to team up with him and help the Ants find their self belief. Yes! Oh brilliant they did. Take that grasshoppers! When you work together it all works out.

TOY STORY 2
Wow it's the er, hidden world of Toys. Again.
But wait a minute I thought everything worked out here. Gosh! I hope someone/something isn't going to get lost and need finding.

Uh Oh, Woody got broken and bought by an obsessive toy collector, now he's lost and needs finding. I hope Buzz and the others can team up and find him. Yep... they did, because when you work together it all works out.

MONSTERS INC
Amazing! The hidden world of Monsters. Their world is powered by fear from our world. That's cool. Surely no-one is going to get lost and need rescuing here. I mean they're 10 foot tall, hairy monsters, right?

Well, this time they really go nuts. Either that or there was a mix up in typing because this time... wait for it... they find something and team up to get rid of it! Yeah! Alright, woo! High five! Flip reverse it!

A kid from the real world gets lost in Monster world and found by some Monsters, I did not see that coming. Incredible! I hope they can team up and get rid of her. Yes... they can. Because when you work together you can get rid of things you've found or find things you've lost.

FINDING NEMO
They're not even trying here, the hidden world of talking fish? Are they special fish? Spy fish, robot fish, magic fish? No? Just the talking.

OK, well I'll give it a go. But the title doesn't sound promising.

It almost sounds like something needs to be found by someone. And that usually means it's been lost.

Wait a minute... they haven't done another film where something gets lost and needs finding have they?

It's like they sat round after a crate of brewskis and said "Look maaaan, no-one *hic* noticed the last four times *burrrp* how obvious can we make it and still get away with it? Huh? Put Finding in the title...ha ha... dude you rock that is *hic* insane!"

So Nemo the talking fish gets caught by a diver... oh dear. I... erm... hope... that... he... erm... gets found? Oh look his talking fish Dad has teamed up with another talking fish... and some talking surf dude turtles and a talking pelican. I hope they can work together to find Nemo. Yeah, they can, because when you work together and do something you've done four times before, sometimes it's so obvious that people don't even notice it.

THE INCREDIBLES
Genius! The hidden world of retired super heroes and their dysfunctional families trying to live normal lives.

Uh Oh! Mr. incredible doesn't want to be retired or normal, in fact he wants action and secret missions. Gasp! He's been lured into a trap! On a remote Island. By a super villain!

I wonder if his dysfunctional family can over come their petty infighting and work together to find him and then solve this problem? What do you reckon?

CARS
My least favourite, the shitty hidden world of fucked up talking cars.

With eyes.

A world where no people exist to build them... OK. Where does the petrol come from? Don't get me started.

So... a red car gets lost in a shitty backwater town. Then he teams up with a load of freaky talking shit-mobiles from Shittsville to try and win a big race. With the help of an ex-race champ who found and lost glory.

But the red car gives up first place and loses because he finds the true meaning of friendship or racing or something.

Anyway it works out because he got lost, then found out what racing was about by working together with someone who found then lost past race glory and fame. Finally instead of winning he looses on purpose because of what he has found. It's a loss/find team up festival.

But with shit anthropomorphic cars with eyes. They. Make. No. Sense.

RATOUILLE
A nervous unlucky kid has just lost his mother and, unbeknownst to him, his inheritance of a famous French restaurant. A restaurant he turns up at, asking for a job.

Meanwhile a rat has lost his entire colonies home due to his unusual love of cooking, in particular the cookery of the dead owner of the previously mentioned famous French restaurant.

Oh yeah and the restaurant itself has lost all credibility after its famous owners death.

Now there is no fucking way these two can team up. Right?

But Pixar law dictates that if something is lost it must be found and the only way to find it is by teaming up... so...

By teaming up with a rat he manages to pretend to be a master chef thus finding confidence, finding a new family of sorts and finding his inheritance whilst the rat finds a new home and a place to cook and they both bring back the credibility of the restaurant.

Because when you work together... with a rat... to cook stuff... it all works out.

WALL-E
Humans have killed all plant life and therefore lost Earth due to over consumption and pollution. They blast off to live in space.

WALL-E robots are left behind to clean up Earth, but 700 years later there is only one still functioning and he's a become a bit eccentric, almost human. He's all alone though, so no chance of any teaming up or working together.

Until one day he finds a plant.

Suddenly an EVE probe arrives and, while scanning for organic life, finds both the plant and WALL-E. He promptly falls in love with her and ends up following the probe back her ship. But once they're aboard, a malfunctioning HAL style AI wants to destroy the plant and not notify the humans that Earth can once more support organic life.

The plant gets taken away and WALL-E and EVE get put in a sort of robo-asylum with a load of wacky malfunctioning robots.

Using the clues from the previous eight films, guess what happens next.

Now having said all of that I like Pixar and I loved WALL-E but fuck me, if one more person looses something and has to team up to find it I'll go fucking bug nuts.

I imagine at Pixar they have "Work together and work it out" and "You'll find what you've lost if we look together" screwed on every door, wall and ceiling in large bold gold lettering.

It's probably chiselled in fifty foot high marble letters at the entrance. The centre piece of their landscape garden features six words in complex topiary formed from hundred foot high bushes reading "LOSE IT. TEAM UP. FIND IT"

Anyway, WALL-E looked beautiful, the robot character design throughout was stunning and for the Mac geeks out there there's plenty of little love letters to Apple hidden throughout, most notably with sexy, shiny EVE design.

The stand-out element though is clearly the design and characterisation of WALL-E. It's a truly phenomenal piece of animation. His baby Johnny 5 via ET design genuinely manages to tug the heartstrings in some of the more subtle moments. But I loved just watching him go about his business - to be honest I'd have settled for an hour and a half of him just pottering around. The scene where he gets up for work had me grinning from ear to ear.

The first half of the film is a wonderfully grim, grimy glipse at the future and the score that accompanies this largely silent segment was so right it hurt. Desolate sci-fi scenes of future Earth, flickering billboards, dried seas, piles of WALL-E crushed junk and vehiclular graveyards all rendered with jaw dropping attention to detail. Any lack of dialogue didn't even register because each scene was so deliciously composed and executed. In fact it was more of a positive, part of me wishes they had chanced their arm a bit more and gone for a pure silent movie.

Unfortunately when there are any lengthy scenes featuring humans or when the manic mecha Tom & Jerry chase sequences kick in things started to sag. But there is enough laughs, references, oohs and aahs to weather the storm. The space dance sequence being a particularly pretty piece of pixel pushing.

Alongside the humour and awe inspiring artistry is a pretty mean streak of enviro-based satire. I especially liked the ubiquitous global corporation BUY & LARGE, a fairly blunt attack on super-size consumerism.

The hideously bloated baby people lolling on hover chairs pretty much clubbed the point home. I'd like to say that I didn't like the human scenes because it was so painfully close to the bone. It is but somehow they just annoyed me and had me wondering when the robots were coming back.

Overall it's a deceptively simple yet powerful story that, with minor quibbles aside, is a Pixar high point. Some bits are genuinely sad, some bits are genuinely funny while the remainder is bluntly pessimistic.

There are occasional explosions of activity and sound but for my money WALL-E is at its best when it's quiet. Often transcending previous Pixar output when it's silent.

The fact that they lose something then find it, again, isn't so bad after all. Because it's in the end it's not about losing plant life or even losing Earth.

It's about losing humanity.

The humans in WALL-E have devolved into giant stupid sub-human fatties. Their brains are so fucking dim that they don't know what dancing or farming is. They pootle about and mechanically slurp their liquid meals through a straw, unable to move from their giant floating beds. Shielded from reality and other human contact by a constantly flickering TV screen that gibbers bullshit and adverts while they jabber relentless, meaningless shite into a mobile phone.

They're locked into pointless loops of dumb dull inactivity, their lives are worthless, they aren't humans - they're the robots.

Problem is it won't take us 700 years to get there. We'll be there in 7.

Meanwhile, it is WALL-E that has evolved and become more human than the humans. He is the one you identify with, not the repulsive obese thickos drooling their lives away.

If we have to have another Pixar kids movie about losing something then I can't think of a better thing to warn kids about than losing their humanity through inactivity, lack of education, bullshit mass media, logos, mobile phones and fucking super sized meals.

Shame it's about 10 years too late then.