Travellin' Troubles

What with all the excitement of batday I never got round to writing this little incident up, however a close friend of mine has demanded it following my colourful description, so here goes.

First a bit of context. This all happened on the same day as batday, after watching it on IMAX in the afternoon I was heading back to my parents home for the wedding of an old friend.

The train journey is about three hours, but since I was still in shock from batday I wasn't that bothered. Plus I was also starting a week long holiday which made for an unusually tolerant mood.

Now this tale probably works best if you imagine it as an early Laurel & Hardy silent two-reeler.

But with no Stan Laurel and me playing Oliver Hardy.

So... I get on the train to find a bloke in my seat at the table. But no problem, even though his mate is also sitting opposite , there was still two free seats at the table so I stowed my bag in the rack.

From now on imagine I'm Oliver Hardy complete with bowler hat and tie, everything is black and white, looks a bit crackly and any dialouge is communicated via elaborate black screen cards bearing white script - like a silent movie.

I promise, all of this happened...

IRIS IN:

1. INT: TRAIN – MEDIUM SHOT - FROM OPPOSITE TABLE

Bag safely stowed, OLLIE sits down in the aisle seat placing a book on the table. Opposite him sits a guy with a shaved head. In the window seat next to OLLIE is the sruffy looking friend of the bald guy.

As he smoothes down his jacket the fellow opposite says…

BALDY

"Hello."

OLLIE gives a nod and a smile…

OLLIE

"Hello."

The guy next to OLLIE turns to address him…

SCRUFFY

"Hello.”

OLLIE raises his hat and we get another cheery…

OLLIE

"Hello."

As the train begins to pull out of the station OLLIE settles back and opens his book.

2. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – OLLIE/SCRUFFY

The guy next to OLLIE says…

SCRUFFY

"We're returning from India."

OLLIE responds with raised eyebrows and a silent "oh".

The guy continues by wiggling two fingers…

SCRUFFY

"We've been travelling for two days.”

3. INT: TRAIN – MEDIUM SHOT - FROM OPPOSITE TABLE

The fellow opposite starts to stretch and settle back…

4. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – BALD FELLOW/EMPTY SEAT

…he yawns dramatically and says…

BALDY

"We'll probably be asleep before the next stop"

5. INT: TRAIN – MEDIUM SHOT - FROM OPPOSITE TABLE

OLLIE couldn't give a fuck what they do but he gives them a jovial smile and points to his book saying…

OLLIE

"Don’t worry, I brought a book"

They all laugh.

A watch face is superimposed over the scene and we see 30 minutes tick by at high speed.

Scenery whips past the windows, OLLIE reads his book and gradually the travellers fall asleep.

6. INT: VIEW DOWN THE AISLE

A builder enters the carriage and stows his work bag above the table before taking the remaining seat.

7. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – OLLIE/SCRUFFY

OLLIE is engrossed in his book running the gamut of facial expressions. He finishes with a satisfied little chuckle that wobbles his hat. 

He continues to read becoming increasingly absorbed in the book until… 

SCRUFFY

"Zzzzzz."

OLLIE bunches up his shoulders as if someone is drilling next to his head.

He slowly swivels to look at the guy next to him.

SCRUFFY pantomimes another loud snore against the window.

8. INT: TRAIN – CLOSE UP - OLLIE

OLLIE looks to camera briefly then back down to continue reading his book.

Almost as soon as he does SCRUFFY's head flops into frame and onto OLLIE’s shoulder – he is still fast asleep.

OLLIE’s eyes slowly roll back up to look straight into camera, we get two or three blinks.

OLLIE glances at the traveller, sighs and then turns back to his book.

Pause just long enough for OLLIE to look like he’s enjoying his book again before cutting to…

SCRUFFY

"Zzzzzzzz."

Cut back to OLLIE looking miserably straight into camera.

He is drumming his fingers on the table; the traveller is snoring directly into his left ear.

9. INT: TRAIN – MEDIUM SHOT - FROM OPPOSITE TABLE

OLLIE looks at the BUILDER opposite and says… 

OLLIE

“What next?"

The BUILDER chuckles.

7. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – OLLIE/SCRUFFY

SCRUFFY stirs, sitting up slightly, he yawns and stretches his arms wide.

OLLIE leans forward with relief, fiddles with his jacket lapels and re-opens his book with a smile.

Just as he settles back - the travellers head flops back to OLLIE’s shoulder, his right arm in mid-stretch is now around OLLIE’s back.

He has a sleepy, dopey grin.

8. INT: TRAIN – CLOSE UP – BUILDER

The BUILDER is laughing.

9. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – OLLIE/SCRUFFY

OLLIE looks at the traveller’s hand hugging his right shoulder - emits a theatrical sigh, slumps his shoulders and looks exasperated.

He turns to the traveller and gently tries to move away by very slowly leaning toward the aisle.

The traveller responds by sleepily bringing his other arm up to fully hug OLLIE.

10. INT: TRAIN – CLOSE UP – BUILDER

The BUILDER is pissing himself laughing by now.

11. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – OLLIE/SCRUFF

OLLIE freezes, momentarily in a bizarre clinch with the grinning, snoozing traveller resting on his chest. He’s looking desperately 3/4 off camera with eyebrows raised.

OLLIE slams his book shut.

In a flurry the traveller wakes up, realises who he’s cuddling and quickly tips back the other way before falling asleep against the window.

12. INT: TRAIN – MEDIUM SHOT - FROM OPPOSITE TABLE

OLLIE shakes his head, fiddles with his tie and says to the builder…

OLLIE

“I need a drink.”

IRIS OUT:

IRIS IN:

13. INT: VIEW DOWN THE AISLE

OLLIE returns to the table, he carries a large paper bag containing a hot sandwich, two beers and a bottle of water.

11. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – OLLIE/SCRUFF

OLLIE puts the bag on the table.

As he sits back down, he takes out a can of beer and cracks it open with a satisfied smile.

The sound wakes SCRUFFY up. He drowsily nods to OLLIE – who nods back.

OLLIE takes a swig of beer.

Meanwhile the sleepy traveller continues nodding, slowly moving his attention toward the bag.

OLLIE smiles back at SCRUFFY, mirroring his nodding as the traveller moves ever closer to the bag.

As he looks away for another sip of his beer OLLIE does a double take. The traveller has opened OLLIE's sandwich and is cheerfully munching away.

OLLIE watches in disbelief as he eats the whole thing.

SCRUFFY offers him another sleepy smile in return and slumps back to sleep against the window.

OLLIE looks from the traveller to his beer then shakes his head and chugs what is left of the can.

12. INT: TRAIN – MEDIUM SHOT - FROM OPPOSITE TABLE

The builder is slapping his leg and roaring with laughter.

OLLIE reaches into the bag.

11. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – OLLIE/SCRUFF

Giving the sleepy SCRUFFY a dirty look he opens his second can of beer.

Again this wakes up SCUFFY who slowly makes his way back to the bag.

OLLIE watches in disbelief as he starts to rifle through it again, this time picking out the water.

OLLIE looks even more baffled than before but this time he grabs the bottom of the water and says…

OLLIE

“That’s mine.”

SCRUFFY smiles sleepily. He releases the water and falls back to sleep against the window.

OLLIE shakes his head and puts the water back on the table. No sooner does he take another swig of beer than SCRUFFY is up and making for the water again. OLLIE grabs it before he can get there and says…

OLLIE

“Yeah, it’s still mine!”

SCRUFFY stares at OLLIE for a while before dreamily asking…

SCRUFFY

“Can I have it?”

OLLIE stares at him and emphatically says…

OLLIE

“No! You can't have it.”

SCRUFFY sulkily flops back to sleep and OLLIE puts the water on the opposite side of the table, out of reach.

11. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – BALDY/BUILDER

The BUILDER is wiping tears away from his cheeks he’s laughing so much.

8. INT: TRAIN – CLOSE UP – OLLIE

OLLIE looks exasperated.

OLLIE

“What is with this guy?”

10. INT: TRAIN – CLOSE UP – BUILDER

The BUILDER is shaking his head and laughing even more than ever, he points to SCRUFFY.

11. INT: TRAIN – TWO SHOT ACROSS TABLE – OLLIE/SCRUFF

SCRUFFY is heading toward the empty bag again.

OLLIE

“Jesus, what are you…

OLLIE doesn’t finish his sentence because SCRUFFY pulls the bag toward him and proceeds to vomit into it relentlessy. He vomits for a good 3 or 4 minutes.

OLLIE looks on in horror, gradually edging out of his seat and into the aisle. When he’s done the large paper bag is full to the brim with stinking bile.

SCRUFFY looks at OLLIE, he looks a dog that has been whipped and left out in the rain.

SCRUFFY

“Sorry.”

OLLIE sighs and even though it clearly isn’t he says…

OLLIE

“That’s OK.”

SCRUFFY looks at his bag full of bubbling sick and says…

SCRUFFY

“I’ll… er… clean this up.”

He stands up and before anyone can stop him he lifts up the bag of sick by its handles.

The wet bag immediately splits along the bottom and two litres of fresh hot stinking puke spills over the table, the chairs and all along the floor.

OLLIE

“For fucks sake.”

Soon everyone in the carriage is desperately looking for things to be sick in as the appalling stench travels through the carriage starting a chain reaction of puke, like in Chunk’s story from Goonies.

13. INT: VIEW DOWN THE AISLE

OLLIE makes a dash for the next carriage before the smell reaches him. We see him comically run away from camera down the aisle, holding his hat onto his head.

IRIS OUT:

THE END